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Cow Manure & Populism: They Really are Similar

Joseph Mossbridge, Staff Writer

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“It was in my mouth. It was in my
nose. It was in my soul. And it was
on the attack.”
– Frank Alfalfamonkey,
a fake, yet representative
student.
“I had a nightmare about the smell.
Didn’t sleep for three days after.
Had to go to a sleep doctor. Very
helpful, would recommend.”
– John Deer, a student
obsessed with tractors.

The winds were coming from the north and going towards the south. I would estimate that they were moving at between ten and twenty miles per hour at a bearing of about one hundred and seventy degrees. This was a wind that would put a tornado to shame. It was a wind that jumbo jets could not dream of producing. Ultraviolet winds in huge black holes that travel at 125 million miles per hour would be jealous. This was not just a wind, it was a Soboncomsind (south-bound, cow-manure-saturated wind). To understand Soboncomsind, you need to understand where it comes from. It comes from Jack Dei’s Dairy, which is a dairy farm just north of Analy. Dairy comes from cows. To get dairy you must milk a cow. This means that Jack Dei’s Dairy must have cows to operate in an economically sustainable manner. Cows must eat, and they also must dispose of what they eat. This is what causes Soboncomsind. Soboncomsind is an academic disruptor. A fantastic corruptor. A mania-inducing conductor. In other words, it is bothersome. The main problem is how the Soboncomsind gets in your breathing
receptacle (lungs), your chewing palace (mouth), and your nose. There are a few reactions to the Soboncomsind. First, there is the cover up. This is where students cover their nose and mouth, in a subtle, yet aggressive way to block out the Soboncomsind. This is the preferred method because the humans (author is a human) are taking action to solve the problem. The second, and more detrimental reaction to the Soboncomsind is the Acnorsno&stontar (act normal, say nothing, and stay on target) method. Not acknowledging something important is very dangerous in any situation. It can lead to huge amounts of stress and distraction. That is exactly what Acnorsno&stontar causes.
When humans try to carry out their normal conversations, they can’t function and, eventually, they flop. Here is an example conversation in
Soboncomsind conditions when the students are reacting with the Acnorsno&stontar method. Human 1 said, “Bro bro bro bro yo bro, I
was talking to Mike, the snowman guy.” Human 2 responded, “Let’s go to Tahoe this weekend.” Human 1 retorts, “I want a donut.” Then
human 2 concluded, “The Safeway let’s go to the snowman donut.” This is not a logical conversation. These poor students’ brains were
being distracted by the Soboncomsind because they were too dignified to use the cover up method. Stuck up humans. They wanted to
pretend that the Soboncomsind did not exist, but sadly, it did. Though this story is very true, it has much deeper meanings than appear at first glance. Soboncomsind symbolizes the modern populist movement. See, you can’t just ignore populism and pretend that it does not exist. This will result in a ignorant and divided country that is politically stagnant. When dealing with Soboncomsind, the students who pretended
that it didn’t exist could not solve the problem for themselves or for anyone else. The students who acknowledged the problem and covered their faces are the ones who helped themselves. Also, they were not impacted as much by the Soboncomsind (because their noses and chewing palaces were covered) so they could help others. What does this mean about populism? Well, three things. The first two are questioning everything and acknowledging everything that is going on around you. If the president is ridiculously sexist, don’t dismiss it – think about it and make your own independent conclusion from it. Thirdly, do something. Cover your mouth as the Soboncomsind afflicted students do, by acting peacefully on your beliefs. It is time to fight the winds of the cows.

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Cow Manure & Populism: They Really are Similar