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New Years’ Resolutions

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Wassup pals? The holidays are a difficult time, from stressful family (*cough* Linda *cough*), to eating way too many cookies. The upside is that the New Year is here, and we all have a chance to turn it around. Here are a few of our New Year’s resolutions that you might be able to add to your list as well:

  1. Stop eating so many holiday cookies. Just kidding. You know you can’t.
  2. Stop making sarcastic remarks to every family member that asks what you are doing once you graduate. A good trick for this goal is to just make up something that sounds lucrative, like marketing, so they don’t find out you want to be a puppeteer.
  3. Actually figure out what you’re doing when you graduate. If you’re stumped, look into careers such as historical figure impersonator, snake milker (I’m talking about their venom you perv), or that person who names paint colors.
  4. Graduate.
  5. Get enough sleep. Now say “Find a unicorn” because that’s how crazy you sound.
  6. Get good grades. May I suggest bribery?
  7. Have more of a social life. Just walk up to someone and ask what their favorite dinosaur is; you’ll have a friend for life.
  8. Have less of a social life. Tired of the drama? Just binge more Netflix! Or, if you’re feeling particularly healthy, read a book.
  9. Develop a new skill like playing guitar or knitting. It’s gonna be really fun to give up in a couple weeks.
  10. Run more. Let’s be honest, we’ll be impressed if you jog around the block more than once.

In all honesty, if your New Year’s resolution lasts past February we’ll be impressed. Anyway, good luck!

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New Years’ Resolutions